everything old is new again

the incoherent ramblings of a struggling artist, costume designer, spinner, knitter, beader, regular single gal in the twin cities of minneapolis st. paul.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Long week's journey into weekend

The super long week is over. Whooppee!
Bags of laundry done=0.
Bags of laundry still in car=6.
Hours spent creating=0.
Hours spent cleaning=0.
Hours spent walking around neighborhood=4 (!)
Nights of restless sleep and/or nightmares=4

I've got to do some major work this weekend. Must empty car, and clean my studio and room, and do some major laundry! Yikes!

Sunday I'm driving up to Alexandria to knit with my cousin and her friends, our informal bitchin' and stitchin' group has been meeting for like two years. They're all moms and 10-12 years older than me, but a really fun and funny group of women. I'm trying to decide what project(s) to bring...I may be a heretic and bring beads along as well! HA!

Monday, March 20, 2006

End of a long weekend, start of a loooooong week

Both shows ended this week. Saturday night's show was *interesting* to say the least, we blew out one of our dimmer boxes. There's only 4 in the theater to begin with, and someone plugged a non-grounded wire into the box. And then plugged about 2800 watts worth of lights into a box that's supposed to take a max of 2600. So after leaving the theater at 12, the Stage Manager and I (Ok mostly her) re-lit the whole stage, starting at 10:30 the next morning.
I then went over to the kid's show to watch it with my parents, then struck the costumes, then came back to the other theater where the other show was wrapping up, and struck that show and painted the floor back to black. Good times.

Got some Thai food, read the NY Times magazine, and was unable to fall asleep. It could be due to the new meds, I hadn't slept much Saturday/Sunday but I thought it was from being keyed up about the lights. But last night was MISERABLE. I tossed and turned almost all night. I slept for about 3 hours in the morning, as far as I could tell. Got up and drank water about 2-3 times. I know I ate too much Thai food, but that wasn't why I couldn't sleep....ugh. Who knows.

If I can't sleep again tonight, I'll have to call my doc to change the meds.

Friday, March 17, 2006

New Meds

Trying a new, (to me) different type of medication for The Depression. Let's hope it helps. The ones I had been on were SSRI's, this is a dopamine type one. Just started it this morning, so of course, there's no way of knowing if it's going to help yet. But I'm hopeful. Which helps.

This week was full of exciting meetings, appointments, and consultations. I think it's the beginning of a new chapter in the life of bex. I have a 'Strong Interest Inventory' in my car right now, after I take it and it's scored it'll help me to define what I want to do when I grow up. Won't that be nice?!?!?

I have two shows closing this weekend, let's hope those go smoothly. My supervisor comes back to work next week. It'll be my year anniversary at this job next week too. Since I'm too timid to ask for a raise or review, let's hope they just give me one with no fanfare or review needed. Yeah, right.

Friday, March 10, 2006

baby steps

I shut down my personal website the other day. Officially resigned from the next show at Stepping Stone. Also made a bunch of appointments to talk to various experts in the fields of mental health, career assesment, etc.
Good times.

Dearly Departed opens tonight. Having two shows open within a week of each other is very stressful, to say the least.

It's Peep season though, so that always makes me smile.

I have to reload this picture because it used to be on my old site. So I hope this works!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

VD with Jake and Heath

took myself to see brokeback mountain last night. heartbreaking movie.

went to dinner by myself. mmmm....nachos.

went home and listened to a radio station playing the 'most romantic songs' and knit, and cried.

good times.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

valentines day? really?

Yeah. It's v-day.

Exciting v-days in the past have included-

*quitting my job

*watching my ex boyfriend curling with another woman (!) his new girlfriend (!!!) at the college curling championships

*winning our bracket, the year before, at the college curling championships in Wakeshau, WI.

*getting flowers from my mom and dad

It's also my grandma's 87 birthday today! She was delivered by a doctor named Dr. Valentine. IRONICAL!

My 'date' tonight, ex roommate, is sick with a cold and has cancelled on me.
So it's me, a bottle of wine, and maybe a movie rental tonight. Whoo hoo!
And a visit to the rapidly growing Flatley.

I'm listening to non-love songs on my boss's IPOD. It's awesome. Angry Bjork anyone?

I'm Not in Love
( 10 CC )

I'm not in love, so don't forget it.
It's just a silly phase I'm going through.
And just because I call you up,Don't get me wrong,
don't think you've got it made.I
m not in love, no no, it's because...
I like to see you, but then again,
That doesn't mean you mean that much to me.
So if I call you, don't make a fuss -
Don't tell your friends about the two of us.
I'm not in love, no no, it's because...
I keep your picture upon the wall.
It hides a nasty stain that's lying there.
So don't you ask me to give it back.
I know you know it doesn't mean that much to me.
I'm not in love, no no, it's because...
Ooh, you'll wait a long time for me.
Ooh, you'll wait a long time.
I'm not in love, I'm not in love...

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

On creation

I had the great honor of attending Flatley's birth this past week. I sat with her big sis while she was being 'removed' from her mom. I got to meet her when she was only about 45 minutes old. To say it brought me to tears was a great understatement. Just knowing what possibility exists within that tiny package, and what unknowable adventures she's going to have, was heartbreaking and exciting and wonder-ful.

Flatley is the most recent in a long and happy string of little 'nieces and nephews' I've gotten to meet. Pretty soon my younger brother and his wife will welcome their son, the first grandchild in the family.

At 30, I'm at the age where most of my peers have had or are trying to have kids, and the whole concept of parenthood has been really on my mind lately. It's not something I'm willing or able to do on my own, living situation aside I just don't have the time, responsibility, or resources to raise a kid with any level of financial security. But I don't have that many more years left if I want to go the biological route.

Most of my free energy now goes towards the creation of art or expression through theater, and on the days when I don't get the chance to create it makes me a little crazy. Would a kid drain all my energy? Would they become my new creation? What if they don't like the sweaters I knit them? Will I even have TIME to knit?

Like a lot of other things in my life, it's a contradiction I just don't understand. I love kids, but I don't know if I really want any of my own. I am a Christian but I can't believe in a 7-day creation or that gay people are 'bad' or 'wrong' or 'defective', among other things. I devour interior design magazines and websites yet my room and studio are a complete mess. I know that I should be a vegetarian again, but I just keep eating turkey (mmmmm TURKEY!!!!!) knowing full well they have short, terrible lives. They're just so dang tasty!

I gave Deanna, Flatley's mom, a magnet with this quote-
"Show me a day when the world wasn't new"
Sister Barbara Hance (1928-1993)

And I guess it's true, new possibilities and new art and new worlds are created every day in every corner of the globe, including in my own body. I am unique just like everyone else. And the passions, demons, and desires that drive me, drive someone else I've probably never met towards me.

I just hope he shows up before I have to hit the 'snooze' button on my biological clock.